Posted on by jenmcnaught

Sleep – It’s important

I could not think of another way to say it, but yes, Sleep is Important!

I just finished up asleep-icon-1 course on the impact of sleep. We generally do not give sleep the attention or validate its extreme impact on our daily lives. One thing that permeated the research and material was that we often downplay our lack of sleep as no big deal.  “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”

Sleep is so vital to our minds and bodies to be healthy and just maintain homeostasis.

Sleep operates in 4 layers.

  1. The light sleep (non-REM 1), like “taking off” in a plane, still aware of the ground, can see the cars and people, going up. It is entirely possible to land quickly at this stage, like a jolt even.
  2. The 2nd stage is a little deeper (non-REM 2), still on our way! This stage creates the homeostasis needed for the real work to happen, lowering body temperature, calming the mind and body functions.
  3. 3rd stage (non-RED 3) is the beginning of some hard work, body repairs! This is the place where we tune up, heal, clean out our chemicals, and reboot bodily functions. We need this to not only heal from sickness but whatever else we do to our bodies daily and start fresh in the morning.
  4. 4th stage is dreaming (REM). This is vitally important to our mental health. We dream to organize and sort our thoughts, events and daily lives. We need to figure out where it all goes. If we miss this part, we are often confused, irritable and forgetful. Some things will not make sense.

sleep-cycle-infographic-redim

All these stages cycle. Those cycles serve a purpose too. If we don’t get enough sleep we might be missing the most important part, like putting the oil back in the engine after a tune up or putting your files back in the drawer instead of a stack on the desk. The work is not quite finished when sleep is cut short. We need all the bits!

The recommended hours of sleep for adults is 7 HOURS minimum…. MIN.I.MUM. 

Here is the chart from the CDC about recommended hours by age. Children needs lots more just because they are growing; creating brain cells and bones and skin and immune systems, etc.

How much sleep you need changes as you age. CDC.gov

Age Group Recommended Hours of Sleep Per Day
Newborn 0–3 months 14–17 hours (National Sleep Foundation)1
No recommendation (American Academy of Sleep Medicine)2
Infant 4–12 months 12–16 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
Toddler 1–2 years 11–14 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
Preschool 3–5 years 10–13 hours per 24 hours (including naps)2
School Age 6–12 years 9–12 hours per 24 hours2
Teen 13–18 years 8–10 hours per 24 hours2
Adult 18–60 years 7 or more hours per night3
  61–64 years 7–9 hours1
  65 years and older 7–8 hours1

If you have struggles with getting to sleep, staying asleep or even sleeping too long (there is such a thing), you can get help for that. Some of us may think,

  • “but I feel fine on 4-5 hours”
  • “I can’t sleep longer than X hours. I just wake up.”
  • “I don’t have time for that!”

We must make time for our sleep. Everything else will suffer if we do not. We set our own circadian rhythm, which is how, when and how long we sleep and are awake for. We can train ourselves to get healthy sleep. It requires consistency and diligence. This is a case where “21 days make a habit” might actually apply.

How!? How do we adjust our sleep schedule and have good sleep hygiene?

I have listed some suggestions according to the stage of sleep it relates to

  1. Create a sleep routine.
    1. Same bedtime every night, do things that wind you down, like shut down the house (lock doors, check lights), change your clothes, take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, meditate, listen to relaxing music, talk to your partner, read a book. Tell your body “it is time to sleep.”
    2. No caffeine at least 6-8 hours before.
    3. Don’t eat at least 2 hours before.
    4. NO ELECTRONICS (seriously, it messes with your sleep)
  2. -4. Keep your room cool, not too cold or too warm. Your body temperature cools when you sleep.
    1. Keep your lights low.
    2. Keep noise down and/or sleep with white noise to filter out noises.
    3. Be comfortable.
    4. Avoid interruptions

RESOURCES.

This is a list of great resources I found on healthy sleep. There are more, but this is a good start

Posted on by jenmcnaught

Balance during Isolation (pandemic)

In the United States, we just hit the one year mark for lock down due to contagion of the COVID19. This virus quickly spread into a pandemic, forcing many people to work from home, school from home, avoid contact with people, and closed stores and restaurants. We had to isolate. It was shocking, terrifying, confusing and frustrating.

The adjustment from “is this really happening?” to trying to make it work for ourselves was and has been a struggle. That does not even include those who suffered on other levels like job loss, home loss and family loss. Those of us who were lucky and maintained our job, live with people we actually like and didn’t get sick, still had major accommodating to do.

I found an amazing video that really tells how it is to be isolated; during a pandemic, periods of work from home, even just living alone. It outlines typical issues we have run into and ways to work with what you got. This is simple, easy to understand and easy put into place.

I hope that you can take some of these suggestions for your own life. They are great ideas even after the isolation is over. We do better when our lives have good, healthy, easy to see and follow boundaries.

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Choose your Narrator

We all have voices in our heads. They can sound like parents, partners, teachers, any other influential person in our upbringing. They can also be our own thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and the world. You can hear your narrator if you listen close to your responses to people, events or your own choices.

If you hear “That was stupid!” in an angry, condescending voice when you make a choice. That is your narrator. The should of, could of, ought to and other negative commentary. That is your narrator. A popular narrator is a parent that has strong opinions, we might even use their voice “Nice girls don’t…” or “Nobody likes…” or “You’re disgusting!” or “See, nothing good happens…”.

We usually install this narrator voice unconsciously and over time. As adults, we can be more conscious about what we allow our brains to tell us. We can deny the negative and let in more positive. We can shut down the nagging, whining, berating, hateful voice that hurts and welcome the warm, kind, accepting new relater.

We can CHOOSE our narrator

Replacing or even just renegotiating the narrator takes some conscious work. First, we really need to start listening to how we talk to ourselves. Yes, everyone has a narrator, a voice that tells our story perspective in our head. It has a lot of commentary about what goes on. Listen and pay attention to your thoughts.

TRY FREE WRITING:

  • Sit down with some paper and write about something that happened that day
  • Write your thought and how you are thinking about it now.
  • Review it, try to be objective.
  • Look for the negatives. There might a lot or hard to distinguish. “He just hates me.” “I don’t deserve” ” I’m too stupid”.
  • You also spot life views “everyone is mean to me” “work is dumb” “I hate this!”
  • Look for alternative to those negatives to replace.

Choosing the positives replacements is harder than it sounds. You have to change your perspective. Look at things differently. Do they “hate” you or perhaps just distracted, upset, or hurt? Are you really dumb/stupid or just need some help or do a little research to understand something? One incident does not equal global reality. Find a new way to say those things to yourself. Catch your negatives and practice replacing.

Change the voice to someone kind, patient and integrative with your personality. It’s important to find a voice that coincides with who you are; similar to you, accepting, loving and understanding, like a best friend!

Your narrator can sound like your hero, someone you look up, a personal “cheerleader.” That is who you need in your head. You can relate your new narrator to someone who had your back, supported you and loved you. It could be the same parent who is judgmental, just choose those good things and leave out the bad. Just like a “bad apple” those negatives do not have to ruin the whole batch.

Choosing your narrator takes time and conscious effort. Give yourself the space and time to do the work. The narrator was not formed in a week, but years and with layers. It takes a while to catch your negatives and automatically replace them, until they stop showing up altogether.

Posted on by jenmcnaught

Things to Know Before You Go

noun_176555_ccI saw this great article on Buzzfeed, which is an opinion post, where the author listed things she wishes she knew about therapy before she started. She wanted others to know how the reality of it is, or her reality. I thought it was great to see insight from the couch, as I call it. Therapy can be scary and intimidating. I hear frequently from clients they are not sure “how it is supposed to work.”  This list is helpful in that regard.

I will list just the headings and highlighted portions here. You can find the details in the full article on Buzzfeed

  • Some of the time, you’re not going to like therapy, at least, not in the way you usually like things.

    • more often than not, “having gone” feels a lot better than the actual “going.”

  • Having a space 100% dedicated to you will be unlike anything else in your life and you won’t know how you functioned without it before.

    • You just get to focus on yourself, and oh my god, it’s life-changing.

  • You shouldn’t be discouraged if you don’t have some big cinematic breakthrough. It’s more about making lots of tiny changes.

    • Don’t think of therapy as working toward that breakthrough. Instead, think of it as improving, healing, and fortifying yourself one session at a time.

  • You can mistake not liking your therapist with not liking the things they’re saying.

  • Going to therapy doesn’t necessarily mean having to face that one difficult thing you’re not ready to talk about, so don’t let that put you off.

    • A good therapist won’t push you to talk about skeletons in your closet or deep-rooted childhood issues if you don’t want to.

  • You’re allowed to push back against your therapist, and whine and rant and argue.

    • I’ve learned therapy is so much better when you’re an active participant, and sometimes that involves things getting heated and having disagreements.

  • In fact, therapy is a low-stakes place to practice all the more unsavory forms of communication, like standing up for yourself, arguing, apologizing, or being vulnerable.

  • A session can feel frustratingly short, so it helps to think about what you want to talk about beforehand. Just don’t expect to leave having covered everything.

    • Remind yourself you can keep coming to therapy for as long as you want, and you can get to everything *eventually*.

  • Not every session has to be super deep or emotional. Some days, you’re just going to want to talk about a fight you’re having with a friend or a minor work frustration and that’s okay.

  • But you have to be careful that you’re not just spending sessions ranting (unless that’s why you sought out therapy).

    • One thing that helps with this is making a list of goals for therapy and checking in with your therapist about your progress.
    • It’s called a Treatment Plan. It should be completed at the beginning and reviewed periodically with your therapist

  • Your therapist is a great person to ask, “Is it me or them?” about many of life’s complicated conflicts.

    • Luckily, a therapist is an invaluable objective resource to help figure out if you’re in the wrong or if there’s a pattern of behavior that inevitably causes stressful, bad things to happen.

  • Taking the time to jot down thoughts and reflect after each session is an extremely good way to get the most out of therapy.  (I LOVE THIS!)

    • But if you actually want to retain and put into practice stuff you’re learning, journaling after each session is a helpful tool.Some basic things that might be worth scribbling down after each session:

• A summary of what you covered

• Key lessons or things you want to remember

• What things were hard to talk about and why

• Things you either forgot to bring up or that you want to revisit next session

  • There’s no right way to do therapy.image

    • Sometimes all you need to do is find a therapist you feel comfortable with, trust the process, and go from there.

From the comments I noted two important topics

  • Be Honest. Lying only wastes your time and money.
  • You might feel worse before you feel better.
Posted on by jenmcnaught

The jagged spoon

I have a spoon in my utensil drawer that has met the whirling garbage disposal. It hasSpoonfront jagged edges now, not like a spoon should be. A spoon needs to be smooth and curved to do it’s job well. The sharp, ragged edges cut the lips and mouth. It can still hold food and transport it my mouth, and it hurts. I think, every time I see the spoon, “why do I still have that spoon?” Yet, I leave it in the drawer. Sometimes bury it under the “good” spoons.

I believe that a lot of people have tools they keep and don’t use. I think that we, as people, tend to hold onto a lot of things that we don’t need or even, perhaps, hurt us. I imagine this spoon as metaphor for coping skills or behaviors that we choose to hold onto, even though they may hurt us.

When you open your drawer of go-to, even thoughtless, behaviors, reactions, coping skills, do you look at what you grab? Are your reactions instinctual? Do you sometimes end up with the jagged spoon? Cutting and hurting yourself in the process of protecting yourself? Thinking “it will work just fine – if I do what I always have done.”

Eventually, we might need new spoons.

The jagged sharp spoon did not start that way. It was good, until it wasn’t. How do you decide when a behavior or coping skill is not for you anymore? How can you tell if you are hurting yourself? Generally this comes after a behavior or reaction. It is a matter of self reflection and paying attention to what you do. If you find you continue to behave in the same way, which sometimes hurts you, you might want to look at some new tools, new ways to do things.

Posted on by jenmcnaught

Grief – the unavoidable process

My grandfather passed away last week. It was a good thing. He was 100! Quite a feat in itself. Even better, he was really healthy up until this last year. He was on a steady physical decline for a few months. His mind was as sharp as ever! It was peaceful for him. We said good bye and wished him well.

I, on the other hand, am not feeling so peaceful. I usually help people through this process. I am now on the other side of unavoidable anguish.

Grief is the emotional process one goes through when there are changes in life. We have to grieve what we lose when we change. This can be simple, like moving from Elementary to Junior High. You still have your friends (usually). It is just an adjustment to more classes, teachers, lack of recess. It doesn’t really seem like grief, but it is. You miss things you are not experiencing anymore. The new things can consume you and make the process easier.  It could also be a major adjustment, like a family member dying, a new baby, or getting married. We grieve the loss of singledom or coupledom when our family grows.

When we lose something precious and do not have a replacement (which can not happen with a loved one dying), the grieving feels painful. It becomes a process of reconciliation. How does this hole, that once was a person, fit in my life now? How do I reconcile the loss of a grandfather who has always been there. I can not remember a time when he wasn’t part of my life. I don’t grieve for him. I grieve for me. I have to allow the sadness and anger to run through me.

People have different ways of grieving. They rely on God, family, or friends. What really needs to happen is permission. Give yourself permission to have ALL those feelings. Whatever comes with grief, allow it. Feel sadness and cry. Feel angry and yell or punch a pillow. Let it come. The only way to “get past” grief is to travel through it. There is no way to avoid the process. You will just get stuck there.  Write your feelings down, create a memory book or page, have a wake for your loss. See grief as the process, adjustment and reconciliation of the changes rather than the loss.

Posted on by jenmcnaught · 1 Comment

What is optimism?

Optimism: Tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the more favorable outcome. (dictionary.com)

Pessimism: the tendency to see, anticipate or emphasize only the bad or undesirable outcomes, results, condition, problems, etc. (dictionary.com)

You can probably identify if you are an optimist or a pessimist. What is the first thought that comes to mind when something bad, or even not so great, happens? Is it “Oh great! This will ruin my whole day. I am depressed.” or “Oh dear. That’s too bad. I’m glad it was not any worse.”

See the difference. One thought can lead to a sour mood and negative attitude and the other leans toward the silver lining with a positive outlook. Both attitudes will change your day. Like I say How you do Anything is How you do Everything.  If you tend to see things in a pessimist light, you will be anxious, worrisome and sometimes depressed. Things just never look good. Optimists usually see the brighter side, the upswing, the possible great things to come! They are generally more upbeat, excited, goal oriented and outgoing. 

Some people believe they are a “realist” which basically means “Hope for the best, expect the worst.”  Realists are pessimists with some hope. Hope that things will not always be terrible, but they still believe they will be terrible. A true realist can see things for what they are without prejudice or personal opinion. It’s harder to do that you think. Your personal world view is all about the perception of the event/situation which come from your self talk and your ongoing tapes derived from childhood and past events.

What makes an optimist?

In “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman, he refers to pessimist thought as an automatic perception of a setback as “permanent, pervasive and personal: It’s going to last forever, it’s going to undermine everything and it’s all my fault.” Whereas an optimist may see the same setback as surmountable, particular to that problem, temporary and relative to others.  An optimist can see a situation for what it is, who it is relative to and how it can be improved.

The NUMBER ONE act of an optimist is to take the situation as one instance in time. It does not explode to global proportions. They dispute the negative, pervasive devastation a pessimist might assume.  “Wait, does this red light really mean I will be late to work, yelled at by my boss, have to stay late, possibly written up, loose an account….” Probably not. So, what does it mean? You can take a similar situation that has happened in the past to compare the current situation to. Disregard your emotional response, since it might have been exaggerated. What actually happened? When overwhelmed or anxious events, try disputing your own thoughts to replace with more realistic and positive ideas.

You can take an optimism test on Dr. Seligman’s website. There is more information on optimism and happiness. 

Posted on by jenmcnaught

How you see yourself matters

We are our worst critic. We scrutinize ourselves relentlessly. We spend more time thinking about how we look and portray ourselves than anyone else. Yep, how much do you think about other people’s appearance, behavior, etc. (That does not include comparing yourself to them) That is about how much they think about you. Usually, fleeting.

How you see your self matters. It is directly related to your self esteem and confidence. It correlates to how much time, effort, and love you think you deserve, from yourself and others. One of the most common symptoms of low self esteem is the fear that if others Truly knew you, all of you, they would leave you, hate you, despise or pity you. So, you keep parts of yourself hidden. You act in a way you think they want from you, not how you might really want to. You withhold things from your self that you deserve: love, attention, nurturing, time. You criticize your decisions, behavior, words and reactions. You give up to others what you should have.

It is a lot of effort for minimal impact. You work very hard to avoid a perceived threat. Believe it or not, people care and love you for who are. No matter what your perceived draw backs are. By giving up the effort for others and giving some back to yourself, which includes giving yourself some slack, you will gain some confidence. One of the hardest parts is figuring out what are doing for yourself and what do you give up. Where is the line? Well, how does it make you feel? Are you resentful and empty after or feel a sense of pride?

Give yourself some slack on the criticism. Give yourself some props on what you accomplish. Give yourself some time and attention. You deserve it.

Posted on by jenmcnaught

You attract what you feel you’re worth

Do you ever wonder why a certain kind of person always finds you? Why is it the same kind of guy/girl that you always end up dating? You don’t have good friends, they are flaky, non-commital, never pay, etc.  Do you feel like you have a sign on your head that says “I love losers!”?  Well, it really is your fault that all these people show up in your life. They literally seek you out. I will try to explain this from both sides.

You attract to you what you feel worthy of 

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That means that whatever you feel you deserve in a relationship, job, money, life, youwill attract that to you. Wait! That is not the same thing as wanting something really, really bad. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you think you actually deserve to have it. Listen to yourself very closely after you say out loud that you deserve something your really want. What happened? Did you sigh, snort, “yeah, right” “like that will happen”? Perhaps you don’t really think you deserve it.

Like attracts like

I have worked with all kinds of people. I spent several years working with sex offenders. Sex offenders, manipulators, abusers, violators of all sorts have some kind of internal radar. They can walk into a room of 20 people and find the ONE person who will “take the bait.” Some can not explain how this works, they just know. Some can spot the body language. They can just tell. Abusers tend to stay away from confident people because they stand up for themselves. They don’t allow other people to hurt them. It’s not okay. So, they gravitate to the people who thinks it IS okay to be hurt and manipulated.

EVERYONE deserves love, affection, kindness, empathy and understanding. NO ONE deserves pain, violence, betrayal, loneliness and heartache. You reap what you sow. If you hand out kindness, you should receive it. Unless you hand out kindness to sociopaths and manipulators. Then you get nuthin’. If you want to be treated the way you treat others, you must believe that you deserve it.

This kind of belief system fits with the self talk, affirmation, and visualizing your goal. You create the life that you feel you deserve. Make it better by believing in yourself and your worth. You can start globally with the belief that everyone deserves happiness and love. Include yourself in that “everyone.” List what you want in life, being realistic about what it really is that would make you feel content. Tell yourself, constantly, that you deserve those things. Put it out in the universe (as The Secret might tell you). It will come.

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Marriage = Team

I work with many couples. One of the most frequent happenings in a troubled marriage (read committed relationship) is that they take sides. It starts to be “me against you”, the finger pointing, blaming, shaming, guilting, etc. It all leads to distance, emotional and physical, which leads to resentment. Here is a tip, which might sound easier than it really is.

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Marriage = Team

Basically, partners need to remember they are on the same TEAM. The same side, going for the same goal, headed in the same direction. Hold hands and face the world TOGETHER. It is about US against the world, not each other.

However, how does that help trouble INSIDE the marriage. Aha! Take that TEAM principle and apply it to everything.

For example, money issues (common problem in marriages). Take the budget and tackle it as US against the BUDGET. The problem should be outside of the team. Literally put it on the table. What do WE need to do to make it work. The collective “we” shares blame and does not shame. No finger pointing or judging. Here is the budget, how do we make it work together?  If one person is overspending, address it as “It seems we overspent on food this month. How can we fix it?” If one person is having trouble staying on budget, ask for help. “I am having difficulty sticking to this plan. Can you help me figure it out?” You are both on the same team. 

This is mostly about using team oriented language and how you view the relationship. Avoid language that blames, like sentences that start with you. If you find you are having a lot of difficulty with this concept, you might need more help from a professional, book or class.