I work with many couples. One of the most frequent happenings in a troubled marriage (read committed relationship) is that they take sides. It starts to be “me against you”, the finger pointing, blaming, shaming, guilting, etc. It all leads to distance, emotional and physical, which leads to resentment. Here is a tip, which might sound easier than it really is.

Marriage = Team

Basically, partners need to remember they are on the same TEAM. The same side, going for the same goal, headed in the same direction. Hold hands and face the world TOGETHER. It is about US against the world, not each other.

However, how does that help trouble INSIDE the marriage. Aha! Take that TEAM principle and apply it to everything.

For example, money issues (common problem in marriages). Take the budget and tackle it as US against the BUDGET. The problem should be outside of the team. Literally put it on the table. What do WE need to do to make it work. The collective “we” shares blame and does not shame. No finger pointing or judging. Here is the budget, how do we make it work together?  If one person is overspending, address it as “It seems we overspent on food this month. How can we fix it?” If one person is having trouble staying on budget, ask for help. “I am having difficulty sticking to this plan. Can you help me figure it out?” You are both on the same team. 

This is mostly about using team oriented language and how you view the relationship. Avoid language that blames, like sentences that start with you. If you find you are having a lot of difficulty with this concept, you might need more help from a professional, book or class.